Life on a Monday regained its meaning this week as The Bachelor entered its 18th season, helmed by Desiree Hartsock reject Juan Pablo. 27 hysterical Juan worshipers arrived at the Bachelor Mansion in black limousines, bringing with them 27 dresses meant to create lasting impressions; episode one of every Bachelor season is a huge judge-at-face-value fest, making the gowns donned by the contestants literal game changers. Knowing the amount of thought these women must put into choosing a gown for their national television debuts makes judging these looks very entertaining.

You can tell a lot about a person by the dress she decides to wear to the annual episode one Bachelor bloodbath: she’s desperately scrabbling to make herself stand out amongst 27 women with roughly the same socioeconomic status, value system, and hotness level as herself, and her opportunities to speak are extremely limited. We all know that when you meet that many people in such a short time, they inevitably all start to look the same. Monday’s Bachelor premiere was a lesson in how not to be written off based on outfit choice, courtesy of Juan Pablo’s libido.

The biggest, most obvious wardrobe misstep came from Kylie, who was sent home by the end of the night. Why? Might have something to do with pairing a baby pink gown and bright red hair. Everyone knows that Valentine’s Day is the only day of the year upon which the intersection of pink and red is acceptable. Everything about this blingy prom disaster screams “I AM THE TOKEN CRAZY PERSON THIS SEASON.”

I wonder if they have to limit the number of red dresses worn to the premiere every year? This year featured four women who had read that study that says men automatically go for women in tight red dresses.

From top left: Amy L., Kat, Kelly and Maggie

Amy J.’s dress was boob mismanagement incarnate: she gave herself a scary case of the pancakes. And yes, she went home.

Clare is gorgeous and her dress is gorgeous, too. That richly saturated pink is perfect on her. Why she would add a fake baby bump is way beyond me, though. It’s a fine line between notice-me crazy and send-me-home crazy.

Sharleen was my top pick after reading the contestant profiles: she’s worldly, she’s Canadian, and her favourite movie isn’t Home Alone 2, unlike TWO of the other contestants. She got the best dressed award in Juan Pablo’s eyes based on her first impression rose and the slew of outfit-related compliments he gave her. She’s a classy broad: rocking a high neck and a neutral colour is difficult to do, but when done right it’s lovely.

Christy is stunningly beautiful, which you might not realize based on the image below. She sort of shot herself in the foot with that dress, which was probably meant to bring out her tan and ended up making her look orange and a bit trashy. The white dress also borders on bridal, especially with that headband, which maybe came off as creepy on night one.

Here’s Lucy Sparkles, whose occupation is “Free Spirit,” an appellation ironic because of how intensely she’s insisting on boxing herself into an annoying stereotype. She wore little to no makeup, a flower child headband, a flowy hippie dress and NO SHOES, which is super gross.

I’m not sure what caused Juan to send Christine home – I love this strapless, emerald green gown, she looks like a pretty mermaid. This might be one of those Man Repeller-type situations where she’s dressed to impress the ladies but made no impression on the man.

Metallic is a good option when going for a standout dress – Chelsie (left) and Elise (right) took this route, but I think Chelsie did it better. Her dress is much more flattering on her figure and the subdued gold is classier than Elise’s gaudy iteration of the hue.

Juan watched every woman as she walked away, so Nikki’s super-low backed gown was a clever choice.

Images courtesy of wetpaint.com and sophienettejc.thedeadone.net

Who did you think was best dressed on Monday’s premiere of The Bachelor? Let us know in the comments!

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